Somewhere on the border between Disappointing and Disastrous sits the blog you are reading now. Even I have to admit that I expected more out of me. In the past the only thing I was more full of than hot air was words. My last trip through Asia literary burst with stories. I couldn't keep my hand from a pen. I couldn't fill enough journals.
Talk about a change of heart - or mind. Or just perspective. The journal I took with me this time is about 1/8th full. And half of that is scribbled notes and half-finished sentences. So what's my deal? Have I really run out of words? (Ok, Ok I can hear the snickering already - we all know that is about as possible as the sea running out of salt.) But if it's not that, then what is it? Who took my stories? Where did the words go?
Hold that thought. There is bigger news afoot - for those of you who don't know, I'm headed home. Yes - I'm leaving again. Or maybe I'm returning. That's a story in itself. (Or perhaps an entire book) But the fact is I'll be Texasbound on March 9th. Which means that this disaster of blog is taking its last, dying breath. And, yes, I'm still struggling for words.
I returned to the pages of my journal and found two entries that might provide some insight into the stories that never appeared. I'll include them both on this final farewell to the blog that never took flight. For some of you, they will be a disappointing goodbye. For those of you who know me well - well, then you know most of my goodbyes are disappointing.
So fare thee well, Cambodia. You were and are a big part of who I have become. My lack of words is no reflection on your inspiration. Some stories, I guess, simply defy words.
December 16, 2009
Some days - most days - I feel drained of words. I don't know where they went or if they are hiding from their inadequate ability to describe what I'm seeing and doing. But, for once in my life, I seem to be speechless.
Cambodia is as hard to describe as it is to define. It is crowded and lonely. Filthy and clean. Fresh and decaying. Old demons lurk in the shadows cast by the hope of new beginnings. Echoes from the past are drowned out by cheers for the future. Its complexity rivals anywhere I've been.
It is not and will never be my home - but it has changed my perspective on life in general and on home in particular. It is hard to distinguish between my personal experience and the life I lead here, but they are two very different things. My experience has been one of self-discovery, of self-discipline, of loneliness and callousness to my surroundings. But my life here is about new places, new people, meaningful work, traveling, and village visits. What is happening on the outside does not always coincide with what is occurring on the inside.
And in the light of it all, I have learned that somethings become more important the longer you are away from them. Those 'true love' things - family, friends - never fade with time or distance. Indeed, they only grower brighter from afar.
January 4, 2010
It isn't true that I haven't written since I arrived here six months ago. I've written plenty - plenty of letters, emails, gmail chats, various articles, and more than 20 reports. But it is true that this experience hasn't spurred me to write like my previous journeys. Was it because of how difficult it has been to adjust? Because of how busy I've been otherwise? Because of a lack of emotion or visual stimulus? No - no - and no. I would like to chalk it up to this experience being so altruistic, so sublime as to defy mere words. But we all know I'm not that deep. I'd like to say that this experience has simply occupied me mind, body, and soul - but that's not quite true either. As with most things, I know it is a combination of reasons - but be that as it may, I stand at the beginning of a new year and that almost always prompts one to look back...
2009 is hard to define - it was a year of personal triumphs, private hells, renewed friendships, and lonely nights. It was year of survival - I survived Lubbock, I survived VIA training, I survived 3 months of flooded roads, amoebas, Thanksgiving and Christmas away from my family, India's inevitable stomach issues, and eating porcupine, red ants, cow brains, and unidentifiable crustaceans. I survived my first half marathon and some of the hottest days and nights of my life. I survived the worlds worst $5 haircut.
It was a year of learning. I learned to teach English (kind of), to speak Khmer (badly), and to ask what I was eating only after I had eaten it. I put three new stamps in my passport. I traveled to six new states in the US. I learned that a good judge of how well a society/city/village is fairing can be determined by the cleanliness of their children and the fatness of their dogs. I learned that I love sunsets, miss the ocean, and want air-conditioning. I was reminded that winter is not my favorite season, beef is not good overseas, and Mexican food is an absolute requirement for my happiness.
I made new friends - and was reminded constantly of how much I love my old friends. I avoided, missed, cherished, took for granted, left too soon, stayed too long, laughed too little, smiled a lot, learned how to cry, learned how to heal, broke, repaired, and loved - loved - loved.
I left - again. I missed important things - again. I saw amazing things - again.
But most of all, I realized that no matter where you are (or where you aren't), at the end of the day - week - month - or year, what really matters stays the same:
Good music is better when someone else listens with you. Cold beer is tastier when shared with a friend. Good food is best enjoyed with the people you love. And nothing in the world matters like the ones that matter most to you.
So 2009 - thanks for the lessons I learned, the stories I never wrote, and the memories I'll never forget.
2010 - you've got big shoes to fill. but I think we are up to it...
And there you have it. As for the stories - they are here. Locked away just beneath the surface. Waiting to be heard. But I've also learned that I'm a much better storyteller than I am a storywriter so if you want to know what really happened, meet me somewhere down in Texas. Or wherever this Road leads me next...
And finally, some much deserved 'Thank You's':
To all those that sent packages that made it late or never at all - they were the highlight of many a restless day
To my oldest roommate for reading the letters that followed the winding path of my self-discovery
To the family that never stopped praying and the friends that never stopped caring - you are my hope
To my newest traveling companion - may VN, Singapore, and India be only the first of many traveling memories
To the climbers, the pool players, the beer drinkers, and table dancers - to the rooftop companions and the beach bums abroad - to all my VIA peeps: thank you for the support that can only come from those who are also walking through fire, for the laughter that is only shared by those who have lived in various Rabbitholes in SEA (and China), and for giving this Texas girl a reason to believe that good people really do exist - at home and abroad.
May the God of your choice richly bless you all!
This isn't goodbye - just bye for now.
Love from the Road
c
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